When Mayhem Leads to Euphoric Breakthroughs
When Mayhem Leads to Euphoric Breakthroughs
Breath in.
Now Breath out.
Right now we are all cemented into this crazy point in time. The delirious quarantine of COVID-19 has completely taken hold of our lives. I’m one of those work from home stay at home Moms. Each day, I tell myself that I must sit down, take a pen and paper and write down everything from, what do our quarantine days look like, to how it is affecting my kids’ growth and learning, to the fears of “will I ever see my grandparents in person again?” and “will my kids ever go to school or camp again?”. From the long, exhausting days of laughing, crying, yelling, reminding myself to stop yelling and breathe, to feeling guilty that I am not doing enough for my children, to feeling mega-burnt out from doing everything for my children. I can’t think of a one-word phrase to describe what’s going on right now in this world, but I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself for taking these few minutes to document even a speck of it. I didn’t sit down with a pen and paper, but here I am vulnerable as ever, at my keyboard, all ready to go.
I’m a dreamer with some big (but rarely loud) emotions. What fuels my fire the most is dreaming BIG. This is, sadly, not something I have ever been truly proud of. With a mind that’s always wandering, I excelled at almost every extracurricular art and sport I’ve ever tried, but I struggled big time in the classroom. Constantly needing extra help and always seeking the approval of others, I trained my mind into thinking it needed to fit into this one size fits all, high-performance academic system. But I knew deep down, from a very young age that I needed another size. So I put on a cool face and pretended it didn’t phase me. I pretended to ignore all the stares, giggles, and comments from my peers because that was how I subconsciously learned to cope with difficulties. When the 5th-grade reading teacher would call my name on the loudspeaker to come to her office, my heart would sink deep into my chest, and that feeling of impending doom would settle in hard each time.
I acknowledge confidently that this need for approval and lack of self-worth stems from a deeper place. And that my 5th-grade reading specialist was not a deliberate source of evil. Looking back, she was actually a sweet, gentle woman who wanted to help children succeed in reading. But how did this unfortunate equation of ‘getting extra help in school = you will never be good enough’ come to be? And goodness gracious, why did it have to take me this long and a whopping $50,000 education from Boston University to figure out that I don’t need to be a straight-A student to be a straight-A lifer? Something tells me I’m not alone.
I used to think that dreaming big would most likely come back to bite me. Like that time I paid $1,500 to do a Yoga teacher training but after the first three classes, it didn’t feel exciting anymore so I dropped it. Money down the drain. Or that time I thought I wanted to be a social worker so I signed up for an intro course at a Simmons College, but 4 classes in I decided it def didn’t hit the spot. A good friend would tell me, “Malka, it’s totally normal to try out various professions that interest you and decide it’s not your path”. I know I would say the same to them. But to myself, unfortunately, I would most likely say, “Shoot, look at that, another failed attempt at success. You need to know exactly what you want, and go and do it, or ELSE. Stop trying so many things like a chicken without its head and just be on the other side of it already, successful and proud”. The problem with this attitude is that: 1. It’s self-sabotaging and leads to depression, 2. It completely negates the learning process involved in actually becoming successful, and 3. It’s downright dishonoring to yourself and anyone who has tried to help along the way.
A wise person once told me that everything we experience in life is meant to teach us something. I am not about to think about every scenario I have ever been through and figure out its life lesson. I barely have time to cut my fingernails while taking care of 3 children under the age of 4 and a husband and a home. But, what I will do is come up with a stark exit plan to get myself the hell out of this self-sabotaging ideology.
As dreamy as I may sound, I love nothing more than a solid execution plan. First things first, stop hitting the backspace button like I am so used to doing. Write like no one’s watching. Don’t be afraid. No one is grading this blog post, and those who don’t want to read it will just scroll on. Connect to people through being my authentic, compassionate self. Embrace my whole self with love. Don’t ignore my feelings and pretend that everything’s “cool” when it’s not. Time to take another breath.
Well, I have to tell you, I’m not surprised that I didn’t discuss any of the points I was intending to write about here. I didn’t share our daily quarantine routine and my children’s activity list, so long that it reaches to the floor. I didn’t discuss any of the joys or heartbreaking challenges having to do with this crazy COVID-19 era. As I sit here with a smirk on my face, I now understand what I needed to focus on at this moment. And if you’ve read to this point, just know that you’ve joined me on one of those rare, euphoric, self-realization breakthroughs.
